I've been thinking fo writing a story for a while, but didnt et any ideas, until i had a dream the othe night. It as very scary but gave me a great story starter. This is what I have so far :D
I heard a distant scream. It echoed against the trees. The scream was scared, but very throaty like the person had been screaming for a while. I started to run as fast as I could, towards the sound, faster, faster. Normally I would’ve just ignored it, thinking it was a child or a couple of kids having fun. But I knew better. I could hear the terror in the person’s voice, loud and clear.
My feet were a blur of blue and black, scraping against the path, leaving a trail in the wood chips. My eyes started to water from the wind and my cheeks burned with the cold. I finally came to a stop in front of a small cabin. The screaming had stopped but I was sure this was were it had come from.
I took and deep breath, staring at the knob. My mind raced with thoughts. The image of a person trapped inside here for however long crossed my mind. Maybe they had gone missing.
I shook my head, shaking away the image and reached toward the door knob. My hand was shaking with fear and a cold sweat had broken across my forehead. A piercing shriek knocked me back, making me jump back, hitting my head against a tree. I gulped; it was so loud, so close.Maybe they were just behind the door, waiting for me to open. Maybe it had heard me, and now it was safe.
I walked slowly up to the door, my hands clenching into balls in front of me. I reached out toward the door, slowly turning the knob. The door swung open and a shrill laughter filled my ears. I felt myself being pushing inside, but felt another body brush up against mine.
A deep rumbled built in the back of my throat and worked it way up, coming out of my mouth as a scream. I turned around, throwing my body against the door to open it, hearing the same laugh, this time it was evil, almost happy. I screamed again throwing my body against the door with all my weight.
I was trapped. Alone. Cold. I needed to get out, soon.
Thats what happened in my dream, but it may not sound that scary. I don't have much time to post but I tell you a little about the story.
Like me the person in the story is having a dream. I plan on making her dream like a vision but that happens waaaay later in the story.
Anyways, I wanted some suggestion on maybe how I can improve my writing, if you like it or not, on maybe somthing i can add onto it! Thats it for now, Bye!
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It was a great story! I think you're very imaginative.
ReplyDeleteOK, I only have a few comments.
ReplyDeleteClearly, you did editing on this. It shows. Good punctuation and spelling like this makes a huge difference in how readable your writing is and how seriously it’s taken.
The short sentences you use at the start are a good literary device to create tension and pacing. You successfully slow the pace by spending more and longer sentences to describe the house from the third paragraph onward. Consider returning to the short bursts of sentences towards the end and in the climax, when you want to make the reader feel breathless or afraid.
It wasn’t initially obvious to me why someone would NOT run towards a screaming child? I had to think about that a moment. That’s probably just me though; wanting to make sure it wasn’t really hurt.
There is some nice brief scene-setting that’s worked well into the progression of the story. You don’t waste any time on an exposition that just details the setting, but you make it very clear and realistic so the reader gets a good image, and you do so in a minimalistic fashion. You can guess that the protagonist is wearing jeans and black shoes and is in the woods though you never directly say so.
I would work over this sentence: “A piercing shriek knocked me back, making me jump back, hitting my head against a tree.” and change it to: “A piercing shriek startled me, making me jump back to hit my head against a tree.” A long break and then a careful reread of some sentences will show you where you repeat words or still need some editing, but a fresh pair of eyes is of course often better. This doesn’t make chronological sense: “I reached out toward the door, slowly turning the knob.” Instead consider: “I reached out toward the door, and slowly turned the knob.”
I don’t get scared but I think this was a very nicely done horror story. Good job; if I was to grade it I’d give it an A+. Also you reminded me I want to see “Coraline” - have you seen it?
That’s an excellent opening to a story. I can imagine how much more alarming it was experiencing it in the dream itself, as in the dream you feel it really happening to you. Dreams can provide great material for stories, and dreams as plot devices within a story also work well.
ReplyDeleteNoc has already given you an editor’s view of it, so I won’t add to his remarks. There are a few typos in there, but I know from proof-reading other people’s stories for them that it can be pretty irritating to point them out, so I’ll leave them to you rather than have you glare at me.
As to adding to it, it usually works best if you wait for something to come to you yourself, but the most obvious idea (given that it is someone’s dream) is that this really happened to someone, and the person dreaming it is experiencing their thoughts. The rest of the story would then be about trying to find out where the dream takes place, and to whom it has happened. It could either be a real person abducting his/her victims, or it could be something supernatural. But only you can decide; you’re the one who has to have the inspiration, as you’re the one who has to write it.
You’ve done very well though, and I for one would certainly be interested to read what follows – I hope you manage to finish it.